Reading for Litt1: OUT

OUT

MY COUSIN JESSIE TOLD ME THIS MORNING OVER THE PHONE WHEN I WAS DRAFTING MY SYLLABUS THAT HE HAS COME OUT TO HIS FAMILY A WEEK AGO. HE CONFESSED THAT HE’S NOW FEELING KIND OF NAKED HAVING THEM KNOW HIS LITTLE DARK SECRET, BUT IT SURE FEELS A LOT LIGHTER. I SAID IT MUST BE THE FREEDOM. HE SAID HE DOESN’T KNOW. BUT IT’S WEIRD THAT MY DAD HAS BEEN TALKING TO HIM UNUSUALLY FREQUENTLY LATELY ASKING HIM HOW HE’S DOING AND STUFF. FROM THE LOOK OF IT, JESSIE IS PERFECTLY FINE. IT’S NOT AS IF HE’S GONNA BE A MOTHER SOON, OR SOMETHING. I KNOW HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE. HE’S LIKE MY LITTLE BROTHER, THE MINIATURE VERSION OF MYSELF. I DON’T NEED TO GO THERE TO KNOW HE’S FINE. HIS BODY'S IN TOP SHAPE; HIS WIT, UNSCATHED. AND HE’S RICH AND GORGEOUS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG?

MEANWHILE, I KNOW MY PARENTS ARE COOKING SOMETHING UP. BUT I TRUST UNCLE RON ABOUT THIS MATTER. HE’S A DOCTOR. NOT LIKE MY FATHER ISN’T, BUT AT LEAST HE’S NOT AN OBSTETRICIAN. HE IS A CARDIOLOGIST. IT MAKES A WHOLE LOT OF DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU ARE EXPOSED DOWN THERE; YOU BECOME BIASED, OR SO I CONCLUDED. BUT AUNT CECILIA, JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SPENDS A LOT MORE TIME IN THE CHURCH AND ADOPTED COMMUNITIES THAN AT HOME. THEY SHARE COMMON LOGIC, AND SOMETIMES, THE LACK OF IT. ONE TIME, I HEARD IN THEIR PRAYER MEETING HELD AT HOME THAT THEY WERE OFFERING PRAYERS FOR PARENTS WHOSE CHILDREN HAVE GONE ASTRAY FROM THE RIGHT PATH—THOSE WHOSE KIDS ARE TEENAGE MOTHERS, DRUG ADDICTS AND MEMBERS OF VIOLENT FRATERNITIES, CRIMINALS, AND GAYS. HALLELUJAH.

I REMEMBER WHEN I CAME OUT TO MY PARENTS MYSELF THREE YEARS AGO. IT CAME QUITE A SHOCK, BUT THEY DIDN’T DISOWN ME. WELL, ALMOST, BUT THANK GOD THEY DIDN’T. OF COURSE, IT’S INEVITABLE THAT THEY WERE UNSETTLED BY IT AT FIRST, BUT THEY ADJUSTED. THEY INTRODUCED ME TO THEIR COLLEAGUES’ DAUGHTERS, ALL BEAUTIFUL AND WELL-BRED, TO HOPEFULLY CHANGE MY DECISION, AS THOUGH I’D TRANSFORM MY ENTIRETY FOR A GIRL I HARDLY KNEW. I FELT LIKE ROYALTY HOLDING A BALL JUST SO I CAN FIND THE PRINCESS OF MY DREAMS. A PRINCE WHOSE PARENTS HAVE BECOME PIMPS. I’VE JOKED THEM ABOUT IT TO GIVE THEM A SUBTLE HINT BUT THEY JUST ANSWERED WITH SOUR FACES.

EVEN MY BROTHERS GOT INVOLVED IN THE SCHEME. THEY BROUGHT ME TO CABARETS AND HIGH-END BARS ALONG QUEZON AVENUE WHERE LADIES STRUT BARELY CLAD IN LACE AND LEATHER LIKE THE CAST OF MOULIN ROUGE IN THE OPENING NUMBER. THEY ENJOY THIS KIND OF FUN. I DON’T. MY BROTHERS ARE HIGHLY EDUCATED; THEY’RE NOT PIGS; THEY JUST HAVE A HIGHER LEVEL OF TESTOSTERONE. WE ACT THE SAME, DRESS THE SAME—WE ARE THE SAME. NO ONE CAN TELL ME APART FROM THE STRAIGHT GUYS IN THE METRO. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT, I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN. I’M PRETTY SURE THEY UNDERSTAND THAT. THEY KNOW ME. THEY RESPECT THAT ABOUT ME. BUT THEY SAID THEY JUST FEAR FOR ME. THEY CONFESSED THEY HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT PEOPLE STONING ME TO DEATH BECAUSE I WAS OUT OF THE NORM. THEY FEARED WHAT RELATIVES WOULD THINK. THEY FEARED WHAT THEY’D SAY. BUT I TOLD THEM I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE BECAUSE I DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING. THEY NODDED. BUT THEY KNEW LIKE I KNEW THAT WHAT I WAS IN WASN’T AN EASY SITUATION.

ONE TIME, MOM KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID SHE WANTED TO TALK TO ME BEFORE GOING TO SANTUARIO SAN ANTONIO. SHE WAS DRESSED IN WHITE COMPLETE WITH A VEIL, WITH HER SILVER ROSARY ENTANGLED IN HER FRAGILE FINGERS. THAT MORNING, SHE ALMOST LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD A HALO.

“R, THAT’S A VERY BEAUTIFUL SHIRT YOU HAVE ON. IS THAT THE ONE JESSIE GAVE YOU LAST CHRISTMAS?” SAID MOM AS SHE SAT ON MY BED.

“THANKS MOM... CHRISTIAN GAVE THIS TO ME LAST SATURDAY. HE BOUGHT THIS IN SEOUL.” GOD, I SLIPPED.

SILENCE.

“SO, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I’M ABOUT TO GO TO CHURCH, I CAN DROP YOU OFF IF IT’S ON THE WAY.”

“I’M GOING TO ROCKWELL MOM, I’M MEETING UP WITH A FRIEND TODAY. BUT HE’S GONNA FETCH ME IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES.” I WAS TYING MY SHOES AND PUTTING ON MY FAVORITE PERFUME.

“DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO IT IS THIS TIME?” I KNEW WHAT MOM WAS DRIVING AT. AND I KNEW IT WOULD LEAD TO SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE.

“AS THOUGH I GO OUT WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE, MOM.” I ANSWERED WITH A LOW VOICE.

SILENCE.

SHE SIGHED. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHE UTTERED BUT IT SOUNDED LATIN, AS THOUGH BLAMING HIGHER POWERS BECAUSE I WAS GOING ON A DATE.

“WITH CHRISTIAN... WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG IN THE EYES OF GOD?”

“MOM, WE ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. WE’RE JUST GONNA HANG OUT.”

“REINHARDT NAKPIL SANDEZ, I’M TELLING YOU NOW, YOU BETTER END THAT THING OR ELSE.” SUDDENLY SHE WAS SPEAKING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHILE I KEPT MY VOICE PROPERLY LOW.

“I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, MOM. I’M NOT BRINGING HIM HERE, AM I? I DON’T EVEN LET HIM IN WHEN HE FETCHES ME, AND THAT KIND OF EMBARRASSES ME. HIS MOM IS NICE TO ME, SHE EVEN COOKS US DINNER.” I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE MOM’S DAY A MESS. IT WAS JUST THAT SHE WAS BECOMING SO UNFAIR. SHE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND THAT THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP CHRISTIAN AND I HAVE IS NOT PURELY SEXUAL. SHE EVEN THOUGHT CHRISTIAN WAS LETTING ME SPEND FOR EVERYTHING WHEN WE GO OUT, WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE. I’M NOT LIKE MADAM AURING OR SOMETHING, AND I SWEAR I COULD MAKE A LIVING OUT OF MY LOOKS IF I WANTED TO. I’M NOT DESPERATE.

“NOUVEAU RICHE,” SHE UTTERED QUIETLY. “IT IS NOT AN ISSUE OF OTHER PARENTS TOLERATING THE SINFULNESS OF THEIR CHILDREN. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ABERRANT LIFESTYLE, REINHARDT.” SHE WALKED OUT OF MY ROOM HOLDING HER CHEST, A GESTURE SHE ALWAYS DOES EVEN IF SHE DOESN’T REALLY HAVE A HEART PROBLEM OR ASTHMA.

IT LEFT ME STARING AT THE WALL FOR SOME TIME WHEN CHRISTIAN BEEPED. I HURRIED OUT AND GOT IN THE CAR.

“HAD A MISUNDERSTANDING WITH YOUR MOM?” HE NOTICED MOM DRIVING HER CAR OUT OF THE HOUSE WEARING SUNGLASSES EVEN IF IT WASN’T PARTICULARLY A SUNNY DAY.

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO. IT’S NOBODY’S FAULT.”

“WHY DON’T YOU MOVE TO MY PLACE? MAMÁ EXPRESSED YOU’RE WELCOME. I MENTIONED THAT YOU’VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS.”

I LOOKED AT HIM. HE SEEMED SERIOUS. “YOU KNOW IT’S NOT THAT EASY, CHRIS.”

“I DIDN’T SAY IT IS, BUT I DON’T WANT YOU LOOKING STRESSED. I JUST WANTED TO HELP.”

“TOO COMPLICATED. I DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE THINGS LIKE THAT YET. I’M STILL DEPENDENT.”

“I CAN WORK THAT OUT. I’M SURE I CAN GET YOU TO FINISH MEDICINE LIKE YOUR DAD IF YOU WANT TO.” CHRISTIAN IS A JUNIOR EXECUTIVE IN THEIR FAMILY-OWNED CORPORATION. I HAD NO DOUBT THAT HE COULD, AND HE WAS QUITE SERIOUS ABOUT IT. BUT IT WAS NOT THAT SIMPLE. I WAS STUDYING AT LA SALLE, AND I WAS SPENDING A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. IT WAS NOT REALLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND. I WANTED US TO BE ON EQUAL FOOTING.

“NOT THE BRIGHTEST IDEA.”

“OKAY.” CHRISTIAN LOOKED UP, AND SEEMED DISAPPOINTED FOR NOT TRUSTING HIM ABOUT MATTERS THAT SERIOUS JUST YET. BUT IT WASN’T THAT. REALLY.

SHORTLY AFTER THE CONVERSATION, CHRISTIAN AND I WERE ALREADY IN ROCKWELL. WE STROLLED AROUND THE MALL, WATCHED A MOVIE, AND THEN HE ASKED ME WHERE I WANTED TO EAT. I WAS CRAVING FOR SOMETHING ITALIAN. “WANNA TRY CIBO? MARGARITA FORES MIGHT BE THERE,” I EXCITEDLY SUGGESTED.
“HAVE YOU BEEN READING MAURICE ARCACHE ARTICLES AGAIN, NOUVEAU RICHE?” HE REPLIED WITH A TEASING GRIN THAT HID HIS CHINKY EYES, EXPOSING HIS PEARLY WHITES WITH SILVER BRACES.

I SMILED BACK. HE KNEW MY MOM WELL. HE SAID SHE WAS HIS TEACHER IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE BACK WHEN MOM WAS STILL WITH THE ACADEME. DESPITE THE THINGS MY MOM HAS BEEN SAYING ABOUT HIM AND HIS FAMILY, HE STILL CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS THE COOLEST TEACHER EVER BECAUSE OF HER SOPHISTICATED STYLE AND ELEGANCE IN LANGUAGE COMPARING MOM TO SOPHIA LOREN. HE ALSO LAUGHED AT THE FACT THAT HE WAS NOT ABLE TO PRONOUNCE THE FRENCH WORDS RIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS CHINESE ACCENT, NOT TO MENTION THAT HE WAS WEARING BRACES, WHICH HE SAID HE DIDN’T REALLY NEED. OUR CONVERSATION DURING THAT DINNER WAS SO MUCH FUN THAT WE BOTH FORGOT THE TIME.

WHEN WE WERE WALKING TO THE PARKING LOT, CHRISTIAN SAID HE WAS FEELING KIND OF WOOZY BECAUSE OF THE RED WINE WE HAD AT DINNER. HE SUGGESTED THAT I SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS PLACE BECAUSE HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO DRIVE ME HOME. IT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME, AND HIS MOM WAS FINE WITH IT.

WE ENTERED INTO HIS ROOM AND HE LAY FLAT ON THE BED. I SUGGESTED THAT HE TAKE A BATH TO FEEL BETTER. HE INSISTED THAT I TAKE A BATH WITH HIM, LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME. “DO I HAVE A CHOICE?” I GRINNED. THAT FLIRTATIOUS BASTARD.

***

“WHERE DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?” SAID DAD. IT WAS NOT HIS USUAL VOICE. IT WAS LIKE THAT OF ZEUS’ WHEN MAD, AS THOUGH HE WAS GONNA THROW A THUNDERBOLT AT ME.

“AT CHRISTIAN’S, DAD. HE HELPED ME WITH THE STATISTICS PART OF MY THESIS. I CALLED UP MOM, SHE KNEW.” OF COURSE I HAD TO LIE. I’M A LITERATURE MAJOR. I READ LUPIN.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU CALLED.” HE TOLD THE MAIDS TO GO TO THEIR QUARTERS. “DO YOU STILL HAVE SELF-RESPECT LEFT IN YOUR SYSTEM?” OH MY GOD. “IF YOU WON’T LISTEN TO US, YOU’D BETTER PACK UP AND LEAVE THIS HOUSE, YOUNG MAN. JUST BECAUSE YOU CONFESSED YOU’RE GAY, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN DO ALL YOU WANT IN SPITE OF OUR EVIDENT DISAPPROVAL!”

MY MOM LED ME TO MY ROOM. HER EYES LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD BEEN CRYING ALL NIGHT. SHE CLOSED THE DOOR AND HUSHED MY DAD TO CALM DOWN BEFORE HE SAID SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY HURTFUL. I SAT ON MY BED AND CONTEMPLATED. MAYBE DAD HAD A POINT. MAYBE I SHOULD STOP BEING MYSELF, AND BE WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO BE. BESIDES, PARENTS KNOW WHAT’S BEST. THERE WERE A LOT OF GIRLS I KNEW WHO WERE VERY VOCAL ABOUT LIKING ME. IN FACT, ALMOST ALL MY FEMALE FRIENDS, WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, WERE JUST A BUNCH OF PHONIES WHO WANTED TO GET INTO MY PANTS. WHAT IF I DID IT FOR THEIR SAKE, SO THAT ALL ARE HAPPY?

BUT I COULDN’T POSSIBLY DO THAT TO CHRISTIAN. I LOVE HIM. BESIDES, IT’S NOT ME TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH WOMEN. I MEAN, SEX COULD BE GOOD, BUT IT’S NOT FLEXIBLE—I COULD NOT CHOOSE A ROLE; IT’S FIXED. IT’D BE A BORE, CHRISTIAN AND I ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN AS IT IS. BESIDES, WHY WOULD I CHOOSE BEING NORMAL OVER BEING HAPPY? WHAT IS NORMAL NOWADAYS ANYWAY?

WHEN I WENT OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM AND DAD WERE TALKING. THEY INVITED ME TO SIT WITH THEM TO DISCUSS THE MATTER.

“R, CAN’T YOU REALLY CHANGE YOUR MIND?” MOM BEGAN.

“SORRY. I SHOULD HAVE COME HOME LAST NIGHT. I KNOW IT DIDN’T LOOK GOOD.”

“IT’S NOT THAT. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE LIFE YOU ARE LIVING,” MOM SAID.

DAD WAS IN DEEP SILENCE. I TURNED TOWARD HIM.

“DAD, I UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT. I’M YOUR SON, AND I AM BOUND TO FOLLOW HOUSE RULES. I WILL SEE TO IT THAT I COME HOME HOWEVER LATE AND HOWEVER IMPORTANT THE MATTER I’M ATTENDING TO IS. AND, I WILL ALSO LIMIT MY GOING OUT LATE, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. BUT CHRISTIAN AND I…”

“YOU MUST UNDERSTAND, REINHARDT, WE ARE A CONSERVATIVE FAMILY. YOU MUST ACT ACCORDINGLY. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR NAME, OUR NAME, NO MATTER WHAT. PEOPLE RESPECT US THAT WAY.”

“AND R, MY SON, IT’S NOT WHAT GOD WANTS YOU TO BE,” MOM SAID WHILE HOLDING HER CHEST AGAIN, BUT I DIDN’T THINK SHE WAS FAKING IT THIS TIME. IT WAS DIFFERENT.

“MOM, DAD, I WANT TO OBEY YOU. I WANT TO PLEASE YOU, AND BE A GOOD SON LIKE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. BUT THIS TIME, IT’S ABOUT CHANGING MY ENTIRE LIFE, CHANGING MY ENTIRE IDENTITY. I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, BUT I ALREADY AM. AND LIKE ANYBODY ELSE, I JUST WISH TO BE HAPPY.”

MY DAD CLOSED HIS EYES. I HAD NEVER SEEN HIM CRY BEFORE, AND IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO SEE HIM IN THAT SITUATION. HE HAS ALWAYS APPEARED STRONG, PRIM, COMPOSED. EVEN WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER DIED, HE DIDN’T CRY. PERHAPS THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME HE REALLY DID CRY. HE MUST HAVE LIVED BY THE SAYING BOYS DON’T CRY. HE MUSTERED ALL THE BROKEN PIECES OF HIMSELF AND FINALLY SPOKE. “IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY AGAINST OUR HOPES, YOUR MOM’S AND MINE, YOU’D BETTER GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE.”

I HESITATINGLY TURNED TOWARD MY ROOM. MY MOM WAS CRYING. DAD, AFTER WIPING HIS TEARS WITH HIS PALM, STAYED SILENT STARING AT THE WALL. I WANTED TO TURN BACK. I WANTED TO EXPLAIN UNTIL THEY UNDERSTOOD ME. UNTIL THEY LISTENED TO ME. UNTIL THEY GOT WHAT I WAS SAYING. BUT WORDS FAILED ME. WHEN MY HEAD BOWED, I KNEW. I HAD TO LEAVE.

I PACKED MY CLOTHES, AND LEFT HOME THAT DAY. I WENT TO CHRISTIAN’S HOUSE. I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. HIS MOM SAW ME HOLDING MY LUGGAGE WITH TEARS FALLING DOWN MY CHEEKS. SHE LET ME IN WITH ALMOST INSTANTLY REDDISH EYES. SHE HUGGED ME. SHE MUST HAVE HAD THE FEELING THAT IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN. SHE HUGGED ME REALLY TIGHT AND CRIED EVEN MORE, LIGHTLY UTTERING INAUDIBLE WORDS. I FELT HER TEARS RUN DOWN MY SHOULDER. I DIDN’T EXPECT IT. IT WAS ONLY THEN THAT I LEARNED CHRISTIAN’S MOM COULDN’T SPEAK. SHE CAN HEAR, BUT SHE WAS CONGENITALLY INCAPABLE OF SPEECH.

SILENCE REMINDED ME OF MOM. EVERYBODY WAS SO QUIET THAT DAY. I HAD NEVER APPRECIATED THE ABSENCE OF WORDS UNTIL THEN. CHRISTIAN DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING EITHER. HE JUST HELD MY HAND, AND CARRIED MY BAGS TO HIS ROOM.

ONE MORNING DURING BREAKFAST, MY MOM CALLED. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST A YEAR. I CHANGED MY MOBILE NUMBER, AND IT WAS STRANGE THAT SHE KNEW WHERE TO CALL ME. SHE ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING. I SAID I WAS FINE. I TOLD HER CHRISTIAN’S FAMILY WAS TAKING CARE OF ME PRETTY WELL. AND THERE WAS, AGAIN, SILENCE. SHE SAID THEY WANT TO SEE ME. “ALL RIGHT MOM, GRADUATION DAY, DINNER,” I REPLIED.

AFTER THE INCIDENT WHEN MY DAD CIVILLY KICKED MY BUTT OUT OF THE HOUSE, I HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING TO HIM ANYMORE ASIDE FROM THE GENERIC, ALMOST ROBOTIC MORNING GREETINGS. MY MOM, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS COME TO TERMS WITH MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRISTIAN. SHE KNOWS SHE MISJUDGED HIM, AND SHE’S APOLOGETIC ABOUT IT, IMPLICITLY. THE FACT THAT NOT ALL SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIPS ARE GOING TO END UP LIKE OURS STANDS FIRMLY, HOWEVER. RELATIONSHIPS OF THIS NATURE STILL FACE AWFUL ODDS EVEN TODAY. AND IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT JESSIE WHO IS JUST ABOUT TO LIVE THIS COMPLICATED LIFE.

JESSIE CALLED ME UP AGAIN PAST DINNERTIME; I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH. HE SOUNDED REALLY EXCITED. I ASKED WHY. HE TOLD ME HE WAS MEETING UP WITH THIS FRIEND AT HARD ROCK CAFÉ TONIGHT. HE MET HIM ON FRIENDSTER, AN ONLINE DATING SITE, AND THEY’D BEEN SENDING MESSAGES TO ONE ANOTHER FOR A MONTH NOW. I SAID BE SAFE. HE SAID IT’S NOTHING LIKE THAT. I ASKED HIM IF HE KNOWS WHAT TO EXPECT. HE SAID HE IS NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING; IT’S JUST A DATE. I ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD PAY. HE ANSWERED NO, ONLY FOR HIS FOOD IF HIS DATE WON’T OFFER TO PAY FOR HIS. I ASKED HIM IF HE’S READY. HE SAID YES. I SAID DON’T FALL IN LOVE. HE ANSWERED HE KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT. I SAID VERY WELL. I ASKED IF IT WAS HIS FIRST TIME. HE SAID YES. AND I SAID GOOD LUCK, YOU’RE NO GREEN APPLE ANYMORE, I’M SURPRISED. HE SAID OF COURSE, WITH DAD'S HELP. I DIDN'T KNOW IF I HEARD RIGHT SO I ASKED FURTHER. HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING: JESSIE SAID DAD HAS BEEN TALKING TO HIM QUITE A LOT LATELY. HE WANTS TO HELP JESSIE GET THROUGH ALL THE TROUBLES THAT I HAVE UNDERGONE ALONE BECAUSE HE SEES IN JESSIE HIS SON THAT HE WASN’T ABLE TO UNDERSTAND. HE ALSO MENTIONED HOW DAD RELATED HIS REGRETS AND SORRY FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US; AND HOW HE’S LONGING TO BRING BACK THE TIMES WHEN EVERYTHING’S FINE BETWEEN HIM AND HIS YOUNGEST SON. JESSIE KEPT ON EXPLAINING, ELABORATING. I WAS SPEECHLESS; DUMBFOUNDED STARING AT MY DIRTY CLOSET. ARE YOU STILL THERE, HE SAID. MY HANDS WERE SHAKING, ALMOST NUMBED, COVERING THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE PHONE. I CLEARED MY THROAT STRUGGLING FOR A RESPONSE. I HAVE TO BE GETTING READY NOW HE SAID. OKAY, I FINALLY REPLIED. BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE AND HUNG UP THE PHONE, MY TEARS BEGAN TO FALL.

The Emergence of Gay Literature as Genre in the Philippines (A Rough Draft of a Supposed Thought Paper in Graduate School)

The emergence of gay literature as a distinct genre in the Philippines is unstoppable. Like Goethe once said that there is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come. As Danton Remoto echoes National Artist Jose Garcia Villa said, “Have come, we’re here.” Brandishing the now popular Ladlad anthologies and many other books, waving the words of the gay artists like flames in the wind, the flourishing of gay literature in the Philippines is underway towards the mainstream.

But what is gay literature?

According to J. Neil Garcia (1997), “Gay literature may be defined both as a self-conscious as well was unconscious production.” He continued to explain what gay literature is about, saying that, “Writing about gayness by gays who know they are gay, as well as any writings that can be read in a gay way may qualify as forms of gay literature.” Who would have thought that National Artists Jose Garcia Villa and Edith Tiempo, as well as Poet Extraordinaire Ophelia Dimalanta wrote gay literature? But as Dimalanta would always say in her class, there is no only one way of reading a poem, an in this case, I hope I wasn’t over-reading or misreading her lines, or else I’d get a failing grade.

We can therefore safely say that gay poetry are those that are (1) produced by gay writers, inevitably, because they are written in the consciousness and point of view of a gay person whose experiences are unavoidably coming from a gay perspective; (2) those pieces of poetry that talks about a homosexual experience; and even (3) those poems that are written by heterosexual poets but can be read in a gay way.

In light of the first category, there are many gay poems that we can’t see the gayness of the poet revealed in the poems. While this is not because they do not want to be read in a gay context or they don’t want to make that political decision of exposing themselves as gay, but because they are already in the “pangatlong tendensiya ng bakla sa panulaan ng bakla” (Evasco, 2003). Example of this is J. Neil Garcia’s poem entitled Poem in which he did not reveal his gay self but maintains that it is a gay poem because it can not but be coming from the perspective of a gay poet. This poem is a social commentary on poverty:

The train that stops the traffic

did not stop for the boy at play

outside his home. Today his home

is torn limb for limb by the government

that let him die in the meanness

of his childhood: accidents happen.

No ball however flew streetwise.

No small hands swiftly flung caught death mid-air

by the jaw. He was skipping but a foot away

from their lean-to. The train barely licked

the door as it blew his body and soul away

so gently, he did not even think

it was anymore painful than his hunger

or the sharply pointed dreams that came from it.

It even looked beautiful:

its footprints smoothest, straightest tracks.

Now the homes that flanked the railroads

are piles of jagged bones. The boy’s family

has buried him in memory, in haste.

They all have other things to live with,

like the city’s latest show of might.

Traffic stops. The train comes through.

The poor rebuild, endure.

Another is a poem, still by Garcia in which he included in his “Poems of a Religious Sort” entitled Nun. This, to my understanding, is a poem that talks about human nature where even though a woman chooses to be a nun, she still has human yearnings and silent needs. It is a description of the whiteness and supposed purity of a nun, which she well proves in the last for stanza. Take note of the role of irony in this poem:

All my sexual days

I am a virgin

Eunuched by habit,

Not by choice.

I wear the cloth

Of my lovelessness

Whitely, they say

With a cross

Hanging from my neck

Nike a noose,

But it is not this

That kills. Strapped

To my waist

Is a rope

That could. Its girth

Is a halo of thread

Binding up the mess

Of me:

Austere ribbon,

It keeps my pious shift

In place, my tummy

Hour-glass slim,

And time is cruelest

To a woman

At vespers.

Strangled at the crux

Where her womb lies

Entombed,

She is handmaid

To no man.

At the hour

Of twilight,

She hymns,

And hymns alone.

The second category of gay poetry is that which talks about a homosexual experience. While it is possible that a poem like this is written by a heterosexual person, I will include in this essay a gay poem written by a gay poet because more often than not, according to Evasco, “mas mapangahas, mapaglantad, at mapagsiwalat.”

Here is a poem by Nicolas Pichay which talks about oral sex. Evasco furthered that, “Ang naturang pag-adka ay isang paraang mapagpalaya at paghulagpos sa itinakdang limitasyon ng kasarian. Ang mga tula ring gaya nito ang nagtutulak sa makatang bakla na magkaroon ng espasyo sa diskurso ng paglikha.” This is a way by which gay writers be put outside of the box, proving that writing about these things should not be ashamed about because being ashamed of the truth is being shamed of one’s self. This poem is entitled This Is A Delicate Matter, Sucking Cock:

This is a delicate matter, sucking cock,

You might not like it right away.

Remember not to pounce it indiscriminately in the dark

Lest you gag with foot in your mouth.

Nevertheless, do not deprive yourself blind

To the call of truth in thyself

Nor accept as gospel truth society’s

Definition of what it is to be a man.

This is a delicate matter, sucking cock,

You might not like it right away.

The mouth must be perfectly shaped

Incisors are not permitted to claw.

The larynx should also be open

So that everything may be taken all the way.

If by these, he still does not groan in pleasure

Look again, your bedmate may be a fish.

Go look for someone else

Our community is full of mermaids.

This is a delicate matter, sucking cock,

You might not like it right away.

And there is no truth to the old wives’ tale

That a gentle man’s love is never ever repaid.

For how then that a poor shepherd such as I

Was able to find a matching slice of life

While walking along an unromantic river bank.

With a glance, he aroused the tip of my desire.

And after crossing swords without drawing blood,

We swore by the shimmer of the goddess moon.

This is a delicate matter, sucking cock,

You might not like it right away.

By my leave I give you a word

A simple advice, do not take offense

The severe and mindless tirade

Of pontificating men “holier than thou.”

Because the true mettle of a man

Is not found in his color, intellect, orientation or looks

It is in the purity and sincerity

Of his dealings with other men.

This is a delicate matter, sucking cock,

A fact that everyone must be made aware of,

No reason to hide in shame

Emerge from the dark, my friends!

The third category of gay poetry is those poems that are written by heterosexual poets but can be read in a gay way. There is quite a lot of this, since almost everything now can be read in the gay perspective. Since reading and writing both constitute to production of meanings, it is not surprising that when a gay person reads a poem in his point of view, another dimension of the writing comes out.

A classic example would be that very popular poem by Dr. Ophelia Dimalanta entitled A Kind Of Burning. A wary reader will ask right away why the lovers can’t meet but for that certain kind of burning? Perhaps, because, it is not meant to be. And what’s a more convenient way of interpreting it when it’s read by a gay person hiding in his closet? Yes, some incorporated reader’s response here and there, and if you look at it in a gay’s perspective, it’s can’t but be hailed as something true and honest in how the persona paints the situation, and how painful it would be to be trapped in that situation.

it is perhaps because

one way or the other

we keep this distance

closeness will tug us apart

in many directions

in absolute din

how we love the same

trivial pursuits and

insignificant gewgaws

spoken or inert

claw at the same straws

pore over the same jigsaws

trying to make heads or tails

you take the edges

i take the center

keeping fancy guard

loving beyond what is there

you sling at stars

i bedeck the weeds

straining in song or

profanities towards some

fabled meeting apart

from what dreams read

and suns dismantle

we have been all the hapless

lovers in this wayward world

in almost all kinds of ways

except we never really meet

but for this kind of burning.

I also picked out some pieces of interesting verses from National Artist Edith Tiempo that can be read in a gay perspective, in which a gay experience is well-described. In her Between-Living, she we all know that true love is almost unattainable in gay relationships because as they say, men are innately polygamous despite the sexual orientation. Sometimes, I am led to believe so, but I nevertheless hope that there will come a time when maturity and security will dawn upon them, us, and the ideal will be met:

When we love a wanderer,

We wait for footsteps

That may, or may not come:

First the hours, the days,

Then, the years. Then never.

Yet always we do know

Whereof we wait…

On the other hand, in the lines of her poem Belief, however illogical and incredible things are (frequently equated with a heterosexual male loving a gay male in spite of what he has or has not, and what he is and is not), this poem is a heartfelt statement of truth, not necessarily the truth but a truth believed:

Truth is the world believed:

Only what the eyes sees,

And the heart approves.

So where is gay poetry leading us?

Still according to Eugene Evasco, gay poetry has three phases. The first one is where the gay writers are writing poetry mainly to letting the world know that they appear and are present in literature. It’s a political decision to come out in the writings because they are already exposing themselves in spite of the patriarchy or the control of the mostly heterosexual male and those who share their machismo thinking. This first phase is largely characterized by aggressively graphic depiction of male to male sex as a vehicle of letting the world know who they are.

The second phase is where the gays are already made known in the scene and is now ready to actively go against the prevailing norm. This phase is often associated with the upholding of the ideals of those gays that they look up to, scrutinizing the social problems in the gay perspective, actively trashing the notion of males as the oppressors of the supposed weaker sexes, discriminating against the institutions that have gender insensitive policies, among many others. As Jun Cruz Reyes bluntly stated, “hindi na lamang titi ang pinoproblema ng makata,” on the contrary, they are already making active movements against those who manifest acts or even tendencies of looking down on them.

And in the third phase, as Evasco very well put it, “Nalulusaw naman ang kasarian sa ikatlo at huling tendensiya ng panulaan ng bakla…Hindi na maaaring matukoy ng mambabasa abf kasarian ng persona ng tula, maliban na lamang kung batid nito ang kasarian ng makata.” This goes to say, like how Neil Garcia talks about things around him without being known as a gay, that gays are not different from the heterosexual people around, thus eradicating the notion of the Other. In this phase, gays talk about history, academe, politics, agrarian reforms, government and other things without giving notice to the sexuality of whoever is saying it.

I would like to quote Zenaida Amador of the Philippine panorama who once said that, “It’s my hope that the time will come when the topic of homosexuality will be boring, irrelevant or unimportant. What is really important is to be creative helpful human beings, irrespective of whom you love.” This is an example of a very post-modern, post-colonial thinking. All that gay writers are working for and exerting all their efforts for is for this time to come that we all accept our differences at the same time, recognize our equality. This is supported by a certain Chong Ardivilla from the Manila Standard who said that, “Malate is only a tiny island and the ocean around it has yet to accept the reality that is gay.” He drove home his point by adding, “Our society still needs a lot of growing up to do.”

Reading for Litt1: Father Neil

FATHER NEIL

Hindi inaasahan ni Father Neil na mahirap palang maging parish priest. Iilang buwan pa lang niya’y napagod na siya sa parang novenang routine na paulit-ulit lang, at sakal sa kanyang habitong pumupulupot sa kanyang katawan. Kaya pagkatapos ng huling misa, isinuot niya ang kanyang black Hard Rock Café na T-shirt, faded jeans at leather jacket. Pagkatapos piliin ang helmet na itim, napaisip uli siya kung aling big bike ang gagamitin, ang Ducati o ang Harley. Pinili niya ang Harley dahil mas babagay ito sa kanyang get-up, at humarurot na nga ang motor na parang walang bukas.

Nararamdaman niya ang hangin na parang pumipigil sa kanyang bilis papunta sa pinakamalapit na mall sa susunod na bayan. Sa daan, nakakita siya ng mga Hapon sa gilid ng kalsada na panay ang bow sa isa’t isa. Medyo natawa siya sa sarili niya habang naiimagine niya ang napakaconsistent na bobbing of heads. May kung anong naalala siya sa kanyang nakalipas.

Nang siya’y nakarating sa mall, dumiretso siya sa bar. Ang original plan ay manood ng sine, pero somehow, nagbago ang kanyang isip.

Chineck muna nito kung maraming tao. Kung may makakakilala kaya sa kanya. At kung safe ba ang lugar to let his guard down eventually, bago siya pumasok. May kamahalan sa bar pero iba ang ambience. Parang slice of urban living. Parang uptown Malate, ganun ang crowd niya.

Umupo si Neil sa harap ng bartender at umorder ng dry Martini. Nakayuko at hindi lumilingon. Naka-ilang shot din siya, habang pinakikinggan ang Downwind Collection na theme ng gabing yun. Sa kanyang kaliwa, sa bandang dulo ng bar, nahuli ng kanyang peripheral vision na may lalaking nakatingin sa kanya. Mukhang twenty-ish ito, maputi, hindi katangkaran pero parang gym-buffed. Gwapo’t kahawig ng bestfriend niyang si Warren. Tumingin si Neil para hulaan ang intention ng lalaki. Sustained ang eye contact for more or less five seconds, at saka nagkangitian. Lumapit ang lalaki sa kanya to strike a conversation, “It’s your first time to come here, right?” “What made you think so,” sagot ni Neil ng nakangiti dahil nagi-inglesan na sila, pero sa shot glass nakatingin. “For one, I must’ve met you before. I know all the beautiful people in this bar. And second, I really should know. I own this place. Reinhardt Sandez, by the way,” sabay ngiti at bukas ng kanyang palad. Tumingin si Neil sa lalaki at kinamayan ito, “Nice to meet you, bro… I’m…” mabilis pa ang reflexes niya kahit nakainom na. Tumingin kunyari ito sa cellphone. “Sorry, I have to be going. Nice place you have here,” sabi ni Neil sabay tayo. Tumango lang ang lalaki na parang appreciative pa, pero sa itsura niya’y parang rejected. “Wait, I didn’t catch your name,” sabi ng lalaki pero halfway through the door na si Neil.

Sumakay ito sa kanyang bike na humarurot uli na parang walang bukas. Naramdaman uli niya ang hangin na pumipigil sa kanyang bilis pabalik sa kumbento pero parang mas mabigat ngayon ang pakiramdam.
Kakaibang pagod ang kanyang naramdaman. Nagsasawa. Nasasakal.
***

Ang pamilya ni Father Neil ay may-ari ng hacienda sa Ilocandia. Parehong pulitiko ang kanyang mga magulang at parang doon narin mapupunta ang kanyang nag-iisang nakababatang kapatid na lalaki. Kaya tuloy may kung anong pag-aalangan ang mga tao sa pakikitungo nila sa kanya, isang bagay na hindi niya ginusto.

Habang siya’y nagsisilbing parish priest, siya rin ang principal ng parochial school. Lahat ng inuutos niya’y sinusunod, pronto. Hindi pa man siya nag-uutos ay sinusunod na siya.

Isang araw, isa sa mga teacher ang nagpaalam mag-absent para sunduin sa airport ang kanyang asawang galing Qatar kaya kinailangan niyang magtake-over sa English class nito ng dalawang araw.
Pagpasok niya sa classroom, pinaupo niya ang mga kilalang pilyo’t makulit na suki ng principal’s office sa harap gaya ng sistema sa exclusive Catholic school nila ni Warren noong elementary at high school. Pero hindi ito ang kanyang rason. Mas lively daw kasi ang klase pag nasa harap ang mga magugulo’t makukulit. Kaso, uncharacteristically behaved ang mga ito sa klase niya. Sa klase lang niya. Tahimik ang lahat pag siya na ang teacher, walang nahuhuli sa pagforward ng papel kapag quiz at wala ring nagtutuksuhan ng crush crush. Minsan nga’y nabibingi ito sa katahimikan at kaayusan ng lahat na kailangan pa niya ng astig na motivation para may magsalita at may magsimula ng kalokohan. Pero pag nagsimula na ang masayang aura ng klase, siya na itong nangunguna sa jokes na napaka animated, minsa’y green, pero laging tactful at tasteful. Tama lang sa kwela. Tama lang sa kalog. Tamang timpla, kumbaga, and then, balik sa discussion.

Sa pagtatapos ng pangalawang araw niyang nagtuturo, isinulat niya ang kanyang e-mail address sa white board at sinabihan ang kanyang mga estudyanteng feel free to send him questions about the topics covered kung mayroon man. Alam niyang wala, pero kung bakit parang umaasa siyang i-e-mail siya ng mga ito ay hindi nalang niya inisip noong panahon iyon.

Dumiretso ito sa kanyang opisina at ang lahat ay hinahanap-hanap niya agad. Sobrang tahimik sa kanyang opisina. Para uli siyang mabibingi. Inisip niyang kung alam lang ng Vatican ang kanyang mga hirap sa araw-araw sa parish, at sa kanyang damdamin, ay baka iconsider pa siyang ibeatify at gawing santo. Ako’y walang bahid dungis! Sakdal linis! Bulong nito sa sarili at tsaka napangiti hanggang ang ngiti ay natunaw sa kanyang pagmumuni-muni.

Sumagi rin sa isip niya ang nalalapit na paglipat nito sa kabisera pagkatapos ng kanyang turn sa parish na iyon. Mabilis ang takbo ng panahon. Pero para kay Neil, istasyon sa krus ang bawat araw.

***
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. Ito po ang aking unang kumpisal sa buwan na ito. Nagkumpisal po uli ako, father, noong magkakatapusan.”

“Tell me your sins.”

“Father, ikinumpisal ko po sa inyo last month na… na nagbate po ako habang inaamoy ang brief ng roommate ko sa dorm. Naulit po ito, father.”

“You committed the same sin after confession. You don’t seem sincere in your repentance.”

“Father… Para pong… Mahirap pong ipa… i-exp… Father, kahapon po, noong ginawa ko iyon, nahuli po niya ako… Natakot po ako baka bugbugin niya po ako at ibuko sa school. Pero… Nahihiya po ako sa sarili ko. Tapos lumapit siya sa kama ko at ibinaba ang pantalon niya. Sabi niya bakit daw po hindi yung suot niyang brief ang amuyin ko.”

“Hijo, what he said to you isn’t your fault.”

“Pero, father, sa mga panahong iyon, kakaiba po. Iba po ang feeling. Parang nababastusan po ako sa mga sinasabi niya noon pero parang… Iba. Father… Binijey ko po siya. Nakakahiya po. Noon ko lang po ginawa iyon.”

Hindi agad nakapagsalita ang pari. “Were you aware that you were committing a sin when you were doing the act?”

“First sem pa lang po, crush ko na siya. Alam ko pong kasalanan iyon dahil pareho kaming lalaki… Sabi sa religion class namin, kasalanan daw po ang magsex nang hindi kasal. Naguguluhan po ako. Kailangan po bang kasal din ang dalawang lalaki parang sa Canada bago sila pwedeng magsex? Siya po ang pumilit sa akin na gawin ko iyon sa kanya, gusto po niya iyon, kaya ginawa ko na rin po. Sino po ang may kasalanan? Wala naman pong parang naargabyado. Kung ako man po iyon dahil ako po ang pinilit, okay lang naman po sa akin iyon.”

Alam ni Neil ang dilemma ng bata. Inisip niyang kailangan nito ng counseling. Gusto niyang paliwanagan ito. Pero wala rin siyang nasabi. Alam na nito ang isasagot. Magquo-quote na ito sa biblia at sasabihin ang mga nagawa nitong kasalanan sa mata ng Diyos. Pero nagpaluwag lang ng lalamunan ang pari ng paubo. Pinilit umpisahan ang unang salitang sasabihin. Pero nagpatuloy ang bata sa pagpapaliwanag.

“Father, kahit na parang kasalanan, o kasalanan nga po iyon, noong mga panahon iyon, pakiramdam ko, kumpleto ako. Lagi po kasing parang may kulang sa buhay ko kahit nagsisimba ako, ginagawa ko lahat ng obligasyon ko sa bahay, paghiga ko po sa kama ko para matulog, parang may kulang. May puwang. Naramdaman ko po, habang naghahawakan kami ng katawan, parang buhay na buhay po ako. Iba po talaga ang pakiramdam. Masaya. Masarap. Sobra.”

Napaisip uli ito sa kanyang nakalipas. Noong first year college. Sa university gym. Sa loob ng locker room at dugout. Ilang beses din sa loob mismo ng seminaryo. Kahit sa sine lang sa Recto… Ang mga ulong tumatango sa dilim… Ang mga bibig na handa siyang paligayahin… Alam niyang kakaiba ang lakas na meron siya at napigilan niya iyon noon. Pero hindi lahat ng tao ay malakas. Oo, hindi lahat ng tao ay may ganung lakas. Muntik na siyang matukso noon pero sa isang buntong hininga, inisip niya si Warren, at nakayanan nitong iwasan ang ganoong pangyayari.

***
Nakaluhod ang pari sa first row ng University chapel at nagmemeditate. Maraming bagay bagay sa buhay niya ang bumusita sa kanyang isip. Mga bagay na yumanig sa kanyang paniniwala. Mga bagay na iniwan niya dahil sa kanyang pagpapari. Mga bagay na pinilit niyang isiping wala siyang ipinagsisisi.

“Neil!” sabi ng lalaki’t “Father,” sabi ng babae—pero sabay sila. Lumingon ang pari at narinig ang dalawang pamilyar na boses. Hindi niya suot noon ang kanyang eyeglesses. Lumapit pa siya. Nang makitang sina Warren at Lucy iyon. Binati niya agad ang mga ito. “Warren! Lucy… Adda kayo met ditoy? [Bakit kayo naparito?]” bati niya. “Daytoy, agpakasaren. [Eto, magpapakasal na],” sagot ni Warren.

Kaswal kung sagutin ni Warren si Neil. Palibhasa’y best friends sila mula pa noong elementary. Sa lalim ng pinagsamahan nila, walang problemang hindi nalagpasan ng magkaibigang ito. Contenders sila for valedictorian noong elementary sila. Kung sa talino lang naman, parang walang magpapatalo sa kanila, pero president sa lahat ng club at student organization si Neil noon, at nakaka-attend ito ng mga national workshops and conferences na hindi kayang i-shoulder ng school. Alam na ng lahat kung ano ang magiging resulta, pero sa kung anong dahilan, si Warren ang nagtop pagkatapos bisitahin nina Neil at ng mamá nito ang kanilang class adviser isang hapon. Dahil dito, 100% scholar si Warren kaya hindi siya pinalipat ng nanay nito sa public. Si Warren ang gumagawa ng assignment nila sa Math at Sciences, si Neil sa English at Filipino, ganito ang kanilang scheme all throughout high school. Noong college, dahil si Warren uli ang makakakuha ng 100% scholarship, parehong university uli sila nag-aral. Nag-eextend din ng financial help ang papá ni Neil kay Warren through the municipal scholarship program. Nagpatuloy ang masasayang araw ng dalawa sa college—kahit engineering si Warren at ecclesiastical naman si Neil, pilit pinagmamatch ang sched.

“Father Neil, iaask ka lang sana namen if you could officiate our wedding. Besides, best friend ka naman nitong si Warren ko, e. Please?” sabi nitong may pagpapakyut.

Natigil ang mga activity nina Warren at Neil noong sagutin ni Lucy si Warren na noo’y sa St. Scho naman nag-aaral. Paunti ng paunti ang bonding at hangouts ng magbest friend hanggang sa tuluyan na ngang mawala ito. Second year ay hindi na ito muling nagkita pa.

Medyo stunned si Neil nang maalala niya ang lahat ng ito. Pero sumagot din siya agad. “Ah, wen, siyempre, para ken ni bespren ah ket wen amin. [Ah, oo, kahit ano basta para kay bespren…ko.]” Ngumiti ang pari. Ngumiti ng medyo matamlay.

“Kasatnu garuden, umuna kami pay. Itext nak tu lattan. [Pa’no ‘yan, mauna na kami, Neil. Text mo nalang ako.]” sabi ni Warren sabay akbay kay Lucy habang papalabas ng chapel. Nang sasakay na sa kotse ang dalawa’y itinaas niya ang kanyang kamay parang tugunan ang buh-bye ni Lucy.

Ang saya ng dalawang iyon, naibulong niya sa sarili. Sana’y pagpalain sila ng Diyos.

Bumalik si Neil sa kanyang pagkakaluhod sa first row ng seats sa chapel. Lumamig ang buo niyang katawan. Habang nagflash ang parang slide show ng masasayang alaala nila ni Warren sa kanyang mga mata, unti-unti itong lumabo para magbigay daan sa butil-butil na luha na iniluwa ng kanyang mata.

***
Ilang taon din ang nakaraan ng matapos ng doctorate si Neil at naging bishop. Ang bilis ng kanyang usad papataas, bukod kasi sa nakuha niya ang highest honors sa graduate school ay sobrang taas din ang tingin sa kanya ng mga kasama nito sa kaparian.

Lahat ng bumibisita sa kanyang archdiocese ay humahalik sa kanyang kamay. Ang pangulo. Ang gobernador. Ang mga alkalde. Ang mga nirerespeto sa buong Ilocandia at sa buong Pilipinas… at ang mga iskolar, sacristan at varsity ng basketball team—mga iba’t ibang mukha ni Warren sa kanyang isipan.

Minsan, ang pakiramdam niya'y ang kamay na lamang niya ang may pakiramdam. Lahat na ng bahagi ng katawan niya, pati ang puso niya, ay manhid na't naghihintay na lang tuluyang manigas at mamatay.

Merry Christmas to All of Us!

There are so many things that I am thankful about this year. There have been so many blessings, so many second chances, and so many new people who I hope are for keeps.

First of all, I am very thankful that I have restored good family relations with everyone in the Suller-Loveranes-Galamgam families. I sincerely apologize for my being stubborn and being quick to fire hurting words when bad temper gets the better of me. I am still learning to control myself when confronted with surprising situations. I hope you all find in your hearts the blessing of forgiveness, and I hope I still continue to be deserving of it.

Secondly, bless God for helping my cousin, Paulo, pass the board examination for civil engineers. I had no doubt that he would pass it, but with His guidance, it made the event more meaningful to all of us. Mark also finished his first semester at SLU with good grades. I think that's something to be thankful about, although, I believe he could have done much better if he did study more seriously. Nevertheless, tomorrow is another opportunity to become one's better self.

Thirdly, thanks to my dean and my department heads for the exemplary leadership. They have inspired me to give it my all this semester. Bless them for giving me the best classes in the world! This is the semester I enjoyed best being given best batch of classes despite the number of units. To my Litt1 students who have inspired me to experiment and think outside the box, thanks for the cooperation and the dedication. I particularly appreciate my engineering student who, despite having +50 in her exam for not being tardy/absent/'excused' the entire semester, still did her best to garner a perfect score in the finals (Ms. Asuncion). To my Arki students (collectively and individually [you know who you are/wink]) who made this sem a whole lot happier for their very contagious energy, even when sometimes I got very tired with my first 6 classes before theirs. To my Legal Studies/Comm/Educ/PolSci class in Navy Base, thank you for making my MWF meaningful. You made me feel like I have taught you so many things in just a span of a semester. And to my Eng1 students, you were very heterogeneous, I had a very difficult time handling you, kids. But there were many diamonds in the rough among you-- Ms. Ramos, Mr. Caliuag, and Mr. Vilaga (with the surprisingly spot-on speech); Ms. Biswelan, Mr. Manangan, and Ms. Garcia for the being the best/coolest classroom leaders this semester (I hope you're happy with your incentives/wink); and Mr. Castro for the determination. There are more very good students among you, but I just thought it'd be fair to pay you homage. And finally, to my English 22 students. Your grades may not have been the highest in the world, but I am happy with your improvement. Again, thank you all.

Fourthly, to my co-teachers who have made SLU the best place to work in in the entire galaxy! Haha! Muchas gracias! To my going-out buddies-- Gretta, Willow, Jen, Jane, Merlats, JC, Salve, Athena and "Her Rise" Mente, you are a crazy lot! And thank you for being so. ^_^ Mam Payaket, Mam Milai, Mam Juantala, Mam Balunsat, Mam Casilen, Mam Castillo, Mam Ordonio and Mam Piamonte and all Comm/Eng faculty--thank you for the numerous favors. Thank you all very, very much.

And lastly, thank you Kamote Equities for helping me cope with the stock market stresses. Thanks for the insights. Thanks for the fun (green) conversations. And thanks for teaching me values you will never have thought you were able to instill in me. To Jay, Jase, and Doc.

To the PinoyInvestor, Faceless Trader, Bro. Bo Sanchez, and to all the financial wellness advocates in the Philippines-- thank you all very much for inspiring us into saving and investing for a better future, a better life.

Best of all, thank you, readers of this blog for visiting. I know I have not been able to post for a long while now but with a lighter-loaded semester this January, I hope to give you good reads in the coming months. :) Merry Christmas, again, folks! Easy on the lechon!

lesson learned: follow the strategic averaging method

so, after my losses with $pgold, $cosco and the first mistake with $bhi (because i have not followed my plan [as written in my last stocks-related post]), i have now recovered my losses by buying and selling $nikl and $uni. i was not very concerned with fundamentals, but this is the trend now. i just went with the flow. i guess i would not have tried this very risky move if i did not trust my trader friends' charts and analyses.

but, yeah, i will have to do it on my own. he's not gonna be there for me forever. i will have to learn the things he knows, and try to grasp the things he explains whenever he does.

oh well, now that i have re-gained all my losses, i am now going to stick to peso-cost averaging for real. i know that i won't get lucky like this everytime, so i am going to take the safer and better path: investing for the long term and following bo sanchez's strategic averaging method.

if you are interested to learn this method, you can search it online. if not, am just a message away. i'll be happy to help, and orient you about it. ☺️

midterm exam in slu is here again. i better be working now. catch you all around!

On the "Alleged" Murder of Jennifer Laude

1. Ano naman ba ang kamatayan ng isang bakla para sirain at yurakan ang relasyon at pagsasamahang diplomatiko ng Pilipinas at ng Estados Unidos? Hindi ba iniisip ng mga Pinoy ang maaaring maging dulot ng lamat na ito sa deka-dekadang pagsasamahan ng Amerika at ng bansa? Ano ba naman ang kamatayan ng isang Pilipino? May maitutulong ba sa seguridad ng bansa ang isang Jeffrey Laude kung nabubuhay pa siya para ipagpalit yan sa mga 'kanong nag-eensayo sa ating sandatahan?

2. Ano ba itong maraming kaguluhan tungkol sa namatay sa transgender? Ano ba ang naibigay niya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ang laking isyu nito? Nagbabayad ba siya ng buwis sa kung anong kabuhayan meron siya? Kailangan pa nga yata tayong magpasalamat kay Pemberton, at manalanging dumami pa ang gaya niya sa Pilipinas para malinisan ang bansa ng mga ganitong uri ng tao, mga parang mikrobyo sa lipunan at sa bayan.

3. Siguro naman bago pinatay itong baklang ito, pinaranas muna siya ng sarap ng makisig na marino. Hanggang sa labis na sarap ay nasabi na lamang niyang, "Natikman ko na ang langit, wala pa akong aasamin pa sa mundong ito. Handa na akong mamatay." Sa sobrang pagpapakasarap niya, nakuntento na siya sa pagtamasa ng kanyang pangarap, ang maikama ng 'kanong sundalo... ng sabik na sabik na maskuladong (sumisisid) marino.

4. At sa pangkalahatan, wala ba sa ating handang magbuwis ng buhay para sa mga Amerikanong ito? Nandito sila sa Pilipinas para protektahan tayo mula sa mga arogante at bastos na Tsino na nangangamkam ng lupa. Ano ba ang masamang nagawa ng Amerika sa Pilipinas kundi ang bigyan tayo ng Edukasyon, ng Sibilisasyon, at ng mga kalye't tulay? Ng mataas na antas ng teknolohiya? Ng mga bagay na Stateside na kailanman ay hindi natin kayang higitan at pamarisan gaano man natin gustuhin?

5. At ang ikinakatakot ko lang, ano na lang ang mangyayari sa libu-libong mga Pilipino na nangangarap tumira o makapunta sa Amerika at kumita ng dolyares? Hihigpitan na kaya sila sa embahada ng US? Paano na ang mga nurse natin? Ang mga domestic helper? Ang mga gurong gusto makapag-aral at makapag-turo sa best universities in the whole wide galaxy? Mamamatay na lamang ba ang kanilang mga pangarap?

We can never be too sensitive about these things. Kaunting kibot, umaaray tayo na parang mauubos tayong mga Pilipino sa mga kakaibang "trip" ng mga sundalong 'kano. Milyun-milyon kaya tayo? Kahit isang milyong Pemberton at Smith pa ang ipadala sa Pilipinas, hindi tayo mauubos. ano ba ang inaalma natin, e binabayaran naman nila tayo? Hindi ba sapat ang tulong na binibigay nila para huwag na lang tayong magsalita sa ikakabuti ng ating bansang tinagurian na nga ng buong mundong "gates of hell".

*Idol ko kasi si Jonathan Swift, at ang kanyang essay na A Modest Proposal. Pasensya na sa mga hindi umaayon sa sinasabi ko.

invest, don't trade

lessons from last week

i have stopped posting on my blog for a week because i felt like i failed myself once again from a bad trade. i lost Php 5,200 from a bad decision, which should not have happened if i did stick to my plan.

this is what happens when i do not follow my plan, and get bored easily. boredom is a dangerous enemy in investing-- we want to gain so much in such a short period of time. the truth of the matter is, i knew that i was making a critical decision but i did it anyway just because i was already bored with my stocks. if you are curious about it, let me illustrate so you will learn from this bad trade that i have executed last week:

with the Php 100,000 fund that I have left in my bigger portfolio (because the bulk of my fund i invested in my mom's forex business), i bought three starting positions: $MER (Meralco), $RRHI (Robinsons Retail), and $BHI (Boulevard Holdings).

🌀mistake 1: i did not buy in tranches. if you have a relatively big fund like this, do not buy at once. buy in tranches. the reason here is that if you buy one stock in bulk just once, you will miss the chance to buy more if the price drops lower than your entry point.

🌀mistake 2: i was having this trader temperament. as i have proven many times over, i have not been a successful trader as i am as an investor. to be a day trader is to buy a certain stock when it looks like it is gaining momentum to go up in the near term, or within the day (for example). i have had lucky trades, because i was copying my friends' trading plans. but, they exactly know when to cut their losses and when to take profits. i do not. kung feeling trader ka, you must know technicals professionaly well. the thing is, i do not. i know some basic stuff (reading candles) and some advance stuff (understanding ichimoku clouds and jay's Arc). i am really still learning to master them.

so there. i have good reasons for buying these issues. $MER was oversold because of the bad news about the electricity issues in manila. also, it is on its support level when i bought it (lowest level you can possibly buy it). i bought this when everybody was fearful that Meralco is in deep shit because of the power outages and the legal woes that sorround it.

$RRHI was looking good, too, as all of the gokongwei stocks are doing well. $URC and $JGS just reached its all-time high, $CEB is having higher lows in the past months, and the retail industry just can not be influenced negatively just in case interest rates hike a little more.

and finally, $BHI because i have had a good experience with this stock before. i gained as much as 23% last year with this stock, and it apparently returned to that support level again. i bought it also because there were rumors that it got its puerto azul and friday's establishment going well again (which turns out to be true according to their public disclosure); it is not bad to speculate, especially when you have good fundamentals to back up your reasons of buying a certain stock.

i held my horses, and just waiting for my target prices to be met perhaps within 3 months up to a year. i had a sound plan to offset my wrong decision of buying all at once. 50% on $MER, 25% on $RRHI and another 25% on $BHI.

in the next 3 days after i bought these stocks, $RRHI and $BHI were already green (they are already trading well above my buying price) but $MER was having a hard time going up. i read the disclosures and the recommendations of my broker (col financial) and it published a reiterated buy rating on $HOUSE, a property stock. i was apprehensive that it is an interest rate-sensitive stock but the fair value is just so high versus its current price back then. what i did, i held my breath and sold all my $MER shares to buy $HOUSE. and i just did the greatest mistake of my life.

🌀mistake 3: i sold at a loss. i sold $MER even when it was red. if you are an investor, you do not sell when it is red, you should buy more because it is giving you a chance to accumulate more shares at a lower price to have a lower buying average. but i did not.

so, i have been posting all these financial wellness stuff on my blog but i have not been so disciplined myself either. it also crossed my mind that i can not control my greed very well just yet. waiting has never been an easy thing to do for me, but it is an important ingredient for success, patience. i ended up losing from my trade on $MER which from the time i sold it at a loss has already risen almost ten percent, and $HOUSE has not stopped going down as of writing.

but, i have to stick to my plan. if i followed my instinct again, i would have sold $HOUSE again and buy another rising stock, but i am keeping my original decision, to buy and hold until my target prices are met.

🌀mistake 4: i did not follow my original plan. all right, so i can not emphasize enough the importance of sticking to your plan. if you plan to do peso-cost averaging, you have to stick to it no matter what. besides, it is the most effective plan that i know right now that suits long-term investors like me. i just got too bored and too greedy, but i also learned my lesson once more.

if you are planning to do invest in the stock market, i also recommend that you do not just believe in recommendations from your brokers, people online, or me, as a matter of fact. it is difficult when you belong to a herd, you believe too much your shepherd without due diligence. i follow bo sanchez but i also have many mentors, and sources. and in the end, i will have to execute my trades based on my own decision without blaming anybody for it.

and i decided to commit my last mistake in this blog 🌀 mistake 5: revealing your current positions. it will not help you when you expose your current stocks because, in fact, some traders can scare you out of your stock picks for you to sell low so they can buy them. another negative thing about it is when you post your projections about a certain stock, people will think that you are writing well about them because you want to lead them into buying the same stocks that you have. well, it is the price i am willing to pay because i am helping others to know my mistakes, that i hope they will not replicate in the future.

so i am getting over my past mistake (and regaining my confidence now), and at the moment, i am ready to just wait. waiting is good. classes will already start this 11th, and i am reading in advance so i can update my syllabus with newer and more relevant poems, stories and novels. i will be doing my job and will not be needing to monitor my portfolio very often because i can sleep well thinking that i have good stocks to wait on, and ready to be invested on even more every 15th and 30th of the month. :)

remember, plan your trades and trade your plan. it always works.

(i am writing this blog from my  ipad moleskin app, so i apologize for the lower case typography)

Time to Start Investing

I hope at this point you have already opened and funded your stock market account. Accord Capital is good. COL Financial is also good. But whatever is most convenient to you is okay. The more important thing here is that you do it now. Rather than regret you've started later than sooner. I encourage you to start today.

Anyhow, I've just convinced Mark to re-open his account at Accord Capital and he agreed to start with Php 5,000 again. You don't need to start big. All of us must have to start somewhere small and safe. And again, invest only the amount you're sure you won't be needing in the near future.

So there, I just purchased Mark's first stock last week. I bought 7-Eleven at P82/share.

I particularly like $SEVN because it is well-run by its CEO, Victor Paterno, and is continuously having expansions throughout the country. The price may fluctuate up and down in the next few months but it should be fine. We are doing this for the long term. Just eye on the target.

I also bought this because I do not see a catalyst that would make it reach its target price right away-- it will give us time to accumulate for a long period of time at a low price.

Since my portfolio is already fully positioned (meaning, I have already consumed all the balance it has to buy stocks), I am poised to wait for the time my target price gets met.

But, by the way, I am planning to open a new account with an initial investment of Php 5,000 so we can start the journey together. I will be buying Php 2,000 amount of shares every 15th and 30th of the month, just like what the SAM says, but with my own research fused in to it as well. You can do the same, or you can invest the amount that you have always planned to invest. Just be consistent.

I like Bo Sanchez's SAM (Strategic Averaging Method) because it tells you the buy below price of a stock and it also tells you its target price. If you are curious, it looks something like this. -------->>

The thing is, Bo's Truly Rich Club membership does not come free. One has to pay a certain premium. But the membership comes with all of Bro Bo's E-Books like My Maid Invests in the Stock Market, The Turtle Always Wins, among many other investment books written by him. And what I think he can give you that I (or any other mentor) can't is his ability to calm you when you feel like you've done the worst decision (in stocks, or in life itself). He would also email you inspirational stories and quotes to go along with your journey towards wealth creation.

I strictly suggest that as a newbie investor, you do not just buy a portion of a company without knowing its fundamentals. And, fundamentals are always better when you know the right price to enter (the buy below price). Do not deviate from the stocks listed there unless you have a very good reason (and research) to do so. I have deviated from SAM stocks many times in the past, and I regretted most of it. But, of course, now is different since I already read financial statements and public disclosures of companies every trading day. I do my homework religiously.

If I were to give 3 companies that aren't in the SAM but are great stocks to watch out are (although, this is always with CAVEAT attached to it), they would have to be:

1. Vista Land and Lifescapes, Inc. ($VLL) of Manny Villar: Property Sector. I have seen the resilience of this stock since I started in the stock market. The business of VLL is selling mid-high end residential properties. But it has lately been venturing into commercial spaces very aggressively. Aside from COL Financial and Regina Capital recommending this stock for long term, I personally believe in this company and in Villar's business capability.

2. Jollibee Food Corporation ($JFC) of Tony Tan Caktiong: Consumer Sector. I must say that this stock does not fail to amaze me. Just when I feel it's already too pricey, it does not stop getting higher and higher achieving all time highs in the past months. Jollibee, Greenwhich, Chowking, Red Ribbon and Mang Inasal are all under this listed stock, so as long as Filipinos eat in these establishments, you are assured JFC is in good condition.

3. Century Pacific Food Inc. ($CNPF) of Christopher Paulus Po: Consumer Sector. If you love Century Tuna, you would want to have this stock in your portfolio. Aside from its innovative management, it is also your best bet in the coming ASEAN Integration because of its tuna business, as most ASEAN counties are Muslim. And if you must know, CNPF is also behind leading brands such as 555, Argentina, Swift, and Birch Tree.

But I will reiterate this, I only recommend you put them on your watch list. Observe their movement both in the short term and in the long term. I am not recommending the purchase of these stocks because I do not foresee the future. There are many suggestions out there, but you will have to do the decision by yourself. Have a plan and stick to it.

Stock Market is basically a waiting game. If you get bored or spooked out, you will lose a lot. The market is an expensive place to know yourself. You should already have a plan and be ready to execute it whatever it takes. Control your fear. Wait for the target price before you sell. Diversify. And most of all, think positive.

Power of Three (Social Media Tag)

Since this blog is meant for us to share things with each other and get to know each other better, I hope you do this tag, too. If not in your blog, in your notes in FB would be great. ;) Don't forget to tag me there!

(Link to my FB page)

Three names you go by:
1. Christian- for the peeps who knew me since childhood.
2. Karl or Carl- at work.
3. Carlo- for most.

Three screen names you have had:
1. Prop.
2. CarlPhD.
3. Moronic Writer.

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. Eyes- my students say my eyes communicate.
2. Lips- my ex-flame says it's sweet.
3. Skin- well, because I take care of it well. Lol.

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Thinning hair. Haha. Genetic, I know.
2. My teeth, I guess. I need braces.
3. My flabs, which I'd always refer to as my 'love handles' haha.

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino.
2. Chinese—My great grandpa was from mainland China.
3. Spanish—My abuelos were Peninsulares, I was told. ;)

Three things that scare you:
1. Poverty.
2. Rats.
3. Failure.
 
 








Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Internet access.
2. Iced water.
3. A good bath.

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Darren Espanto. Hahaha! Guilty Darrenatic.
2. Whitney Houston.
3. Don McLean.

 





Three of your favorite songs:
1. On My Own (Whitney Houston).
2. I Can't Make You Love Me (Leroy Sanchez).
3. Bad Day (Daniel Powter).

Three things you want in a relationship: - in no particular order
1. Trust.
2. Care.
3. Intellectual and Physical Connection.

LIES:
1. True love only comes once in a lifetime.
2. You can live a fruitful life even without profound spirituality.
3. Economic Bubble in the Philippines.

TRUTHS:
1. It's difficult to restore trust once it's broken.
2. Law of supply and demand.
3. I am pogi.

Three physical things that appeal to you:
1. Playful and naughty eyes.
2. More or less same height as mine.
3. Soft lips.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Traveling.
2. Writing.
3. Hanging out with friends.

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. Job promotion.
2. To be RFP (Registered Financial Planner).
3. Love life! Hahaha!

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Veterinarian.
2. Magazine Editor.
3. Fund Manager.

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Istanbul, Turkey.
2. Brasília, Brazil.
3. San Francisco, USA.

Three kid's names you like:
1. Francis.
2. Kit.
3. Lex.

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Write a book.
2. Be in a nurturing relationship.
3. Travel around the globe.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I find it hard to keep my nails clean when I commute.
2. I can not be celibate. Hahaha!
3. I find it hard to wear white and keep it spotless throughout the day.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I like to take my time accomplishing things.
2. I change my mind rather too often. Hehe.
3. I have moods.

THREE people I would like to see take this tag-quiz:
1. My friends from SLU.
2. My high school classmates.
3. My students! Hahaha! It'd be fun!